I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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