my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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