I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
