I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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