i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
