opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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