if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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