I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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