My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
