I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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