Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
