In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
