Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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