I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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