there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
