I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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