im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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