I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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