Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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