a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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