You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
