90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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