I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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