i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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