She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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