I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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