She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
