Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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