He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
