you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
