They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
