oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
