The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
