Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
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He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Why is there bacon in the couch?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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