and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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