I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
