Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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