you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
