What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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