wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
