There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
