nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
