Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
