When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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