Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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