i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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