You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
