I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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