i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
