I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize