I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
