Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
