my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
