dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
