I hate all girls vehemently.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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