Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
